I Used to Feel Like the King

I want to start this blog by saying that this is the hardest part of the year for me. Halloween is my favorite holiday of the year. The problem is that

Jack-o-lantern

Jack-o-lantern (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

since I had my TBI I have lost my sense of taste and smell 100%. Some of the favorite parts of Halloween revolve around these two important senses. I love the smell of Fall, the morning breeze, pumpkins, freshly farmed fields and more. Apple cider is another. I now cannot enjoy those things that made me so happy during my favorite time of year.

When your favorite time of year drops down toward the bottom rung of your life ladder there are other things that you seem to see that you do not like to see. That is what I am going to touch base on with his post.

It took me a long time to get over my physical and emotional injuries that came with my TBI. During that time I thought that some of the things I had seen was because of my injury and it would go away as I continued to improve. I am now back to as normal as I am going to be and the problem that I am now seeing is that I am no longer the King to my wife or my two daughters. These three wonderful ladies in my life see me differently but will never admit it.

Over the last 2 years since I had my injury, I have seen a small decline in me as a man , as a father, and as a husband. There used to be a time that I knew there was at least three people in this world that I felt like a king around them. There was nothing that I could do that would make them 3 people not look up to me and think the world of me. As time has gone by, I don’t feel like that king anymore. I almost feel like I can see it especially in my daughters eyes. I am not the same guy that I was 2 years ago in their eyes. They would probably still say that I am the bulletproof Dad that they have always known, but I see different in their eyes. Usually things are normal and feel as they did before November of 2011, but there are the little things that I see when it counts the most to me.  I am way too young to not be bulletproof in the eyes of my children. That is something that comes when a person gets old and wrinkled. It is a very bitter pill, and I may be completely wrong, but like I have said before the one thing that you can not take away from a person  is their opinion.

Where is your turning point when these insights come to the surface. I do not know the answer to that yet. What I do know is that it makes things seem like they are going backward instead of the normal path of progress. Marching forward is still the only path to success, but it is like marching forward in knee deep mud instead of smooth dirt path. I say dirt path because a dirt path has a destination unknown. If you follow the concrete you already have a destination chosen and the path always leads in the same direction.

I don’t like to live my life on the concrete. I think that life can take any path that you want it to and you can also make a new path for others to follow. I can only hope that the path that I have created is seen in people’s eyes to be a path of goodness and honesty. I do my best on this Earth to help others and live my life by leading with example. I am far from perfect but I have very few regrets.

Soon I hope that these bottom ladder feelings will pass, but until they do I will to keep my head above the water and continue to paddle against the current so as not to lose any ground.

 

 

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2 thoughts on “I Used to Feel Like the King

  1. You’re 100% right that no one can take away your opinion. But I hope you don’t mind if I hope you are wrong about your King status. I have a soldier I support who was wounded and has severe PTSD + TBI. He used to love playing paintball with his kids and now that’s a trigger. He used to love 4th of July but that’s out now too. In fact, most holidays, along with hundreds of things big and small, have changed. However, once I understood how hard it was for him to even get out of bed and face the day, I thought more of him. Not less. One time he begged his wife to take the kids and leave him so they could have a better life. She turned that “offer” down. I think I know why. Because his willingness to battle his demons every day made him a King in their eyes.

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    • Gina, Thank you for your comment. I have had minor trigger points after leaving the military such as being startled by loud noises. This was because I was in a Field Artillery unit I believe. Since my TBI the triggers have increased. Watching someone mow their lawn and not smelling that grass makes me very angry. There are plenty more that I normally just let pass by because I do not want to put undo stress on my family. The battling of demons is a daily progress. The hard part is not knowing which demon will be battled and how long the will the battle be. In time I hope this gets easier, but until then I just have to keep thinking that a hard fought battle with my brain is at least a good work out

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