The time has finally come

First of all I have to apologize again for not being here as often as I would like to be. I don’t really have an excuse except the maple syrup season was hear from Late February until two weeks ago. That has kept me more than busy. I have started helping a local syrup producer with his production. He and his family have been producing for over 20 years. I have also been doing alot of research on honey bees because my brother and I are going to start some hives and produce honey. For those of you who still read my posts I want to thank you very much for sticking with me

Honeycomb of Western honey bees (Apis mellifer...

Honeycomb of Western honey bees 







Well the time has come that I finally will have to swallow my pride and go see a counselor. I have been putting it off for a long time but I know that the time is now or never. My wife tells me that she can see it in my eyes when I am going to get frustrated. She knows it before I do. I have alot of great things going on in my life, but when I get frustrated I cannot see past those feelings easily. I have a hard time focusing, and concentrating, my sleep pattern goes crazy, and I always am feeling tired. I always wonder if this is something that is only a problem for me and feel that I am weak. I know that I am not the only person that feels this way, and I am not the only one that struggles with these feelings. I belong to a Facebook page that is for TBI survivors and caregivers. Very recently one of the members of the group performed a song on there that is absolutely perfect for the way that me and others feel. I am going to share the link with you before the end of this blog. The song actually made me well up with tears. That is not something that I openly admit to people but as always I promised complete honesty.

It seems that I have become emotional more frequently. It is not a mad emotional, I just get very frustrated. Sometimes I just want to be alone, and sometimes I cant stand to be alone. There is usually no rhyme or reason why or when it happens. An example of this is from the other night. My wife made a homemade pizza. I cut the pizza like I always do and after she was done putting a piece on her plate I was going to put one on mine. I had to kind of tilt my plate a little to make it easier to get it from the pan to the plate. When I did this some of the toppings came off of my slice. I squeezed my plate as hard as I could and then dropped it into the sink. I picked up the pizza pan and wanted to toss the whole thing across the kitchen. I knew that this was not an acceptable solution so I dropped the pan and I went out on the front porch so I could be alone and cool down.

The plus side is that I was able to know that what i was going to do was wrong and I did not do it. There are other times that things are not so easy. Usually it is because I let my mouth say things that I actually cant stop. I may have said this before but it is similar to when a person ducks out of instinct when something is coming towards their head. I speak that way sometimes. I just say it then I think about it and wonder why that just happened. Fortunately I haven’t got myself into too much trouble with my wife. Of course I do get that look once in awhile. You know the one that says “you better watch it Mr.” We usually can laugh about it later but not always.

I think I have said enough today so I am going to give you the link to the song performed by Miss Audrey Bellah. Please go and listen to her rendition of this song. It is a very moving performance

Enhanced by Zemanta

Draw the caregivers line somewhere

I would like to talk about a subject that is very hard to talk about and I am afraid that I am going to make some people mad with this, but I always said that I will post with honesty. Recently I have been in a downward spiral as you should be familiar with by now. My family has done everything that they can to help me bust out of it, but honestly there is nothing they can do. It is a process that takes time. Sometimes a day or two other times it takes months.

I have a very unique situation. My wife and I are friends with my neurologist and nurse practitioner. There are times when I will say things to my wife that may sometimes scare her, but I do it in the comfort of our home in my safe space. When some of those comments go to the people that care for me without me knowing it can be very frustrating and give a really bad feeling leading to anger. I know that she is doing it for the right reasons. She has been a neurological nurse for years and she knows a red flag when she sees one. With that being said, should I not be the one that knows if a red flag goes up and not just the results of a bad day.

On one occasion when it came to my recent depressed moods, a caregiver told my wife that maybe I need to stop feeling sorry for myself. I love this caregiver as if she was a sister to me which made it even worse. Not only was this being said as a caregiver but I also saw it as an attack from someone that I love and respect. Where does this leave me. It is a very confusing track to ride on when your spouse works 100 feet away from your caregivers on a daily basis.

Fortunately for me I have recovered very well from and accident that should have killed me. I am pretty normal for the most part. i have feelings like a man and do not like to be ambushed from all sides because of that. If I feel like I am being pushed into a corner or ambushed there are only two ways to escape. I can either back down and give in and say “yes you are right”, or I can come out of that corner swinging  (figuratively speaking) to show them that I am not weak and that I can take care of myself. I am not so naive to think that I am 100% normal or that I ever will be. It shows itself to me daily that I am not in one way or another. The problem comes when someone actually says “I know what you feel and what you are going through.” Bullshit. Unless you have had my injury and been in my head you do not know what I am thinking or how I feel. All of the those diplomas on your wall do not make you an expert on human feelings on all cases. You ask anyone that knows anything about brain injuries, they will tell you that each case is different. therefore until you have cared for every case, you will not know. I agree that those diplomas are life savers and are very necessary for the injured to improve and continue to improve in life. Please do not think that I am bashing education. without those Dr’s. I would not have survived my TBI.

In closing I am just going to leave it like this. If you are a caregiver and you are going to spill the beans to a medical professional about a conversation you had with your injured it would be very wise for you to keep that to yourself.


Enhanced by Zemanta